I am a nurse first and always. My best friends are Emergency Nurses. Here is to all of us and all we do!
YOU MIGHT BE AN E.R. NURSE IF . . .
You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you..
You believe a good tape job will fix anything...
You have the bladder capacity of five people...
You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...
Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
You find humor in other people's stupidity...
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with the complaint of migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia (choose one of the above), a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol), and the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...
You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "Q" word when the ER is even remotely calm...
You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...
You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...
You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a "shit magnet"...
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...
Your most common assessment question is "what changed, --- tonight ,to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...
You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patient's only hope...
You want lab to order a "dumb s**t profile"...
You believe your patient is demonically possessed...
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there !"...
You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("you've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...
You have ever had a patient say, ". . .----But, I'm not pregnant; I can't be pregnant; how can I be having a baby?"...
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...
You carry your own set of keys to the "leathers"...
Your idea of gambling is an ETOH level pool instead of a football pool...
You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...
Your idea of an x-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol...
You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over
by a portable x-ray machine...
You have every referred to subcutaneous air as "Rice Krispies"...
You have thought OD instead of BBQ when asked to get the Charcoal...
You believe that a large part of your daily calorie requirement is provided by Tylenol®, Advil®, or Excedrin®...
AND FINALLY....===YOU MIGHT BE AN E.R. NURSE IF...----YOU FIND HUMOR IN ANY OF THIS!!!
You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you..
You believe a good tape job will fix anything...
You have the bladder capacity of five people...
You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...
Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
You find humor in other people's stupidity...
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with the complaint of migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia (choose one of the above), a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol), and the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...
You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "Q" word when the ER is even remotely calm...
You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...
You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...
You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a "shit magnet"...
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...
Your most common assessment question is "what changed, --- tonight ,to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...
You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patient's only hope...
You want lab to order a "dumb s**t profile"...
You believe your patient is demonically possessed...
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there !"...
You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("you've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...
You have ever had a patient say, ". . .----But, I'm not pregnant; I can't be pregnant; how can I be having a baby?"...
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...
You carry your own set of keys to the "leathers"...
Your idea of gambling is an ETOH level pool instead of a football pool...
You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...
Your idea of an x-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol...
You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over
by a portable x-ray machine...
You have every referred to subcutaneous air as "Rice Krispies"...
You have thought OD instead of BBQ when asked to get the Charcoal...
You believe that a large part of your daily calorie requirement is provided by Tylenol®, Advil®, or Excedrin®...
AND FINALLY....===YOU MIGHT BE AN E.R. NURSE IF...----YOU FIND HUMOR IN ANY OF THIS!!!
10 comments:
Were these supposed to be funny? not even slightly!
Each to his own.
I found them quite entertaining.
i found them funny, and i love that vintage pic of the nurse, would be cute framed.
i too found em funny and i'm not even a nurse.
I'm an ER nurse also. I had a uy tell me his mother was on peanut butter balls..hence phenobarbitol..he said she was floppin around the flo like a flounder..and I had a guy who was on a 3 day crack binge tell me he had a knife shoved up his butt, after xray exam..it was a dildo with a condom on it, no batteries!! Goodness gracious...
I once had a man tell me with a straight face that his chief complaint was "I have a flashlight stuck in my rectum"...After a moment's pause, the only logical response I could come up with was "is it still turned on?"....
love the handle... on halloween i have a super large black t-shirt with "certified emergency witch" painted on it that i ALWAYS wear to work... the back says "CAUTION! contents under pressure"... we here in east tennessee also believe 'flk with flm (funny looking kid with funny looking mom)' should be a genetic marker... btw, we have pts with the 'screamin mighty jesus' (spinal menengitis) & my all-time favorite..."my dr told me i have high sugar"... lord, we have a language & culture all our own... NIGHT SHIFT RULES!
jprncsi
How do you know me?!?!?! LOL
I know every one of those items listed! I'm not an ER nurse, but I was an OR nurse for almost 20 years.
To Anon in East Tennessee: all I can say is "ain't it the truth"! LOL
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